Making Conflict Transformational: Step #1 – Recognize that Conflict is Necessary

We all love confronting people, right? What is it about confrontation that scares us so much? For me, I think it boils down to fear – fear of retaliation, fear the relationship will change, and just fear of emotionally charged situations that I can’t control.

How do we engage in a conflict situation in a healthy way that actually leads to transformed lives and relationships? My goal in conflict situations, at least when I finally come to my senses (sometimes I don’t!), is to recognize that the conflict poses an opportunity for transformation in myself, others, and relationships. At the very least, if we’re willing, transformation will happen in us. And that’s a win! We can’t control how other people will respond, but we can pray and position ourselves to receive what God has for us through the conflict.

You see, conflict is necessary. When we feel tension, we are usually motivated and sometimes highly motivated, to address the tension. We don’t do well with dissonance and will often go to great lengths to resolve it. In the process, we sometimes come up with new and better ideas, we learn about ourselves and experience transformation, and our relationships, because they are strained, cause us to grow in our love for the other person.

I love how John Paul Lederach describes the potential benefits of conflict in The Little Book of Conflict Transformation:

“Conflict flows from life. Rather than seeing conflict as a threat, we can understand it as providing opportunities to grow and to increase our understanding of ourselves, of others, and of our social structures. Conflicts in relationships at all levels are the way that life helps us to stop, assess, and take notice. One way to truly know our humanness is to recognize the gift of conflict in our lives.”

Did you catch that? Conflict is a gift. Lederach concludes, “Without it, life would be a monotonously flat topography of sameness and our relationships would be woefully superficial.”

Conflict is an essential part of life. Instead of viewing it as an intrusion or barrier, perhaps we should see it more as an opportunity to grow deeper in our relationship with God and others, and to develop qualities and practices that help us live more fully and serve others more effectively.

Ron Toews, in his workshop on Making Conflict Productive (which is available with a MinistryLift membership), describes several potential benefits of conflict.

He says that conflict can enhance our development in ways that the absence of conflict could not. Without a strong impetus to change, we’re often content to maintain the status quo. Conflict often serves as a kick in the pants to move us forward.

Conflict can also make us wiser and teach us better ways of responding to problems. Conflict forces us to slow down, to listen and learn, so that we can address the conflict and in the process, learn ways of living better both now and in the future.

Conflict can also instruct us about our own values and beliefs. A hallmark of emotional intelligence is taking the time to reflect on why we feel the way we do or why we react in a particular way. Conflict has a way of revealing fractures or weaknesses in our character. We recognize that our underlying values and beliefs are not robust enough to support appropriate responses in the conflict situation. We see the gaps between our current level of growth and what is required to handle the conflict in a God-honouring and constructive way.

Toews also believes that conflict can fuse us to the people we care about. Because of our need and desperation sometimes, we reach out to others for support. Our vulnerability opens the door to deeper relationships. This vulnerability and humility can also pave the way to deeper relationships with those with whom we have conflict. As we navigate the conflict with openness and authenticity, we create a space for deeper relationship. Of course, in order to deepen the relationship, the other person needs to be willing to enter that space, as well.  

Conflict can also challenge organizations and institutions to keep changing with the times. Over time, organizations become increasingly bureaucratized and inertia can set it. Conflict is disruptive. It gets people’s attention. When it’s related to the organization, it often points to perceived gaps in organizational functioning. Now, we can try to sweep conflict under the carpet by ignoring or minimizing it, but it will likely come back and often unresolved conflict comes back with a vengeance. The better approach is to wade into the conflict, to explore the issues, to allow the tension to push the group to a better place.

Organizational leaders sometimes function as guardians of the current paradigm. We may have helped to create it and probably have invested quite heavily in it. Organizational conflict often points out the inadequacy of the current paradigm. Instead of getting defensive, leaders would do well to invite questioning of the current paradigm. In fact, this kind of open approach that allows questioning and contrary ideas to surface and influence the organizational discourse, minimizes the build-up toward explosive conflict because people are free to express divergent ideas any time.

Because conflict involves people, it often pushes those same people to engage in a fuller exploration of the issues. We want to hear people’s thoughts and the underlying values and beliefs that inform those thoughts. Particularly in a Christian setting, where we place a high premium on loving relationships, we are often willing to go to great lengths to find solutions.

I don’t like the messiness associated with the expression of strong emotions. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. Yet, that same emotional tension can push people toward deep and healthy conflict resolution. As we navigate these emotions, in ourselves and in others, something magical happens. We become deeply invested in the process and resultant decisions. As a result, the emerging decisions and accompanying actions are often more widely and deeply held by those who were part of the resolution process.

When I’m facing tough stuff, like conflict, it forces me to recognize that I can’t do it. I desperately need God’s help. And you know what that does? It drives me to prayer. You see, conflict has many benefits, but one of its greatest benefits, is that it pushes us closer to God.

Conflict is necessary. Without conflict, we often become apathetic and stagnant. Of course, too much conflict can lead to chaos, paralysis or even destruction. Somewhere in the middle is an optimal level of conflict that can nudge us toward better ideas and deeper relationships. With God’s help, we can take steps toward making conflict transformational. 

Blogs in the Making Conflict Transformational Series:

Overview of the Six Steps to Making Conflict Transformational

Step #1 - Recognize that Conflict is Necessary

Step #2 - Identify the Type of Conflict and Intensity Factors

Step #3 - Pray Through the Conflict

Step #4 - Check Your Own Heart 

Step #5 - Understand Your Approach to Conflict

Step #6 - Build Pathways of Peace

Dr. Randy Wollf is Associate Professor of Practical Theology and Leadership Studies at MB Seminary (part of ACTS Seminaries of Trinity Western University) and Director of MinistryLift. Randy has also served as a pastor, church planter, and missionary.