Making Conflict Transformational: Step #6 – Build Pathways of Peace

In the previous blogs in the Making Conflict Transformational series, we’ve explored how conflict is necessary. As hard as it may be to see in the moment, it’s really a gift that can stimulate personal and interpersonal transformation.

We’ve looked at various types of conflicts and the intensity factors that can raise the stakes in a conflict situation.

We’ve seen how prayer is absolutely critical as it’s the Holy Spirit who does the deep, heart transformation, something even more possible when we’re desperate for God to intervene. Many of our stubborn conflicts really do need a miracle to turn them around.

Partnering with the Holy Spirit in checking our hearts can often lead to personal transformation, a better perspective on the conflict, and greater capacity to move forward with courage and love.

Of course, we all have a default approach to conflict. In addition, other internal and external factors affect the way we respond. Being aware of our default approach and these other factors can help us to maximize the positive influences while monitoring and moderating the negative ones.

The goal in any conflict situation is to be a peacemaker. In this session, we’ll look at how peacemakers build pathways of peace by rebuilding trust, resolving issues, reconcile hearts and restore relations.

Rebuild Trust

The first step in building a pathway of peace is to rebuild trust. Without trust, relationships, teams, and entire organizations fall apart. Steven Covey Jr. has said, “There is one thing that is common to every individual, relationship, team, family, organization, nation, economy, and civilization throughout the world—one thing which, if removed, will destroy the most powerful government, the most successful business, the most thriving economy, the most influential leadership, the greatest friendship, the strongest character, the deepest love. On the other hand, if developed and leveraged, that one thing has the potential to create unparalleled success and prosperity in every dimension of life. Yet, it is the least understood, most neglected, and most underestimated possibility of our time. That one thing is trust.”

So, the stakes are high! Yet, how do we take those incredibly challenging, awkward steps to rebuild trust with someone or a group of people that we simply don’t trust anymore. Ron Toews, in his seminar Making Conflict Productive, suggests several steps for rebuilding trust.

Give yourself permission to talk. Remember that conflict holds transformational potential. Sure, the stakes may be high, but the potential for growth is huge.

The second step is simply to decide to get together to talk, face-to-face, if possible. The invitation to chat could be as simple as, “Hey Jason. I sense there’s some tension between us. I could be totally wrong, but would you be okay getting together to talk about it?”

When you do meet with the other person, talk so that the other person wants to listen. Explain how you’re feeling. Tame your words so that they genuinely honor the other person.

Focus on the relationship. “You know, Jason, I’m concerned that we seem to be growing distant. I don’t want that to happen.”

Test perceptions. We all see things differently, so it’s important to surface our perceptions to see where they’re accurate and where they’re off-base.

It’s also critical to engage in active listening. Try to listen way more than you talk. Use your body language to convey interest in the other person and what they’re saying. Summarize what you’re hearing to make sure you’re getting it right and ask for clarification if something is unclear.

Another important step in rebuilding trust is to practice empathy – to step into their shoes. What are they thinking about this situation and why? What are they feeling and why are they experiencing those feelings? As you begin to enter their frame of reference, you’ll be in a much better place to dialogue with respect and even compassion.

Finally, tell stories. Jennifer Beer and others, in the Mediator’s Handbook, say, “Story telling is like cleaning out your closet.  It looks like a huge mess and you wonder how you’ll ever organize it.  But you have to start by dumping all the stuff out and see what is there.” And I would add that story telling not only communicates information; it’s a sharing of our lives with the other person. Whenever we share something that’s a part of us, like a story, we’re opening ourselves up. We’re choosing to be transparent and vulnerable. Now, it’s possible that the other person will step all over us as we expose ourselves. However, in most situations, it can actually lead to deeper sharing, mutual vulnerability, and a tenderness that allows trust to take root and grow in the relationship.

So, the first big step in the pathway to peace is to rebuild trust. The next step is to resolve issues. Simpson and Hotte, in their Workbook for Engaging Conflict, believe that unresolved issues are often the rubble that keeps us from peace in a relationship.

Resolve Issues

Now, all of what I said with the Rebuild Trust first step gets us closer to resolving issues. Once again, using insights from Ron Toews’ Making Conflict Productive seminar, I want to add three important practices that can help us resolve issues in conflict situations.

It’s important that you agree where you can. Establishing points of agreement helps both parties see that they share some common ground – a kind of meeting place where they can explore tensions and possibilities as those who already have a shared understanding of some kind.

A key part of this exploration process is to identify the main concern of each person in this situation.

Then, ask good coaching questions that are open-ended and objective, without trying to push your own agenda or preferences by asking leading questions. Try to coach the other person toward a resolution of the conflict. Depending on the type of conflict, this may be a short process, or it could be a very long one. Obviously, you’ll likely need to share some of your own thoughts and ideas along the way. However, adopting a coaching approach will help you better understand the other person’s perspective and the types of solutions that would be acceptable to them.

Now, we might be tempted to think that these first two steps on the pathway of peace, rebuild trust and resolve issues, are sufficient. Yet, we need to go further. The final step is to reconcile hearts and restore relations.

Reconcile Hearts and Restore Relations

According to Simpon and Hotte, reconciling hearts involves “heartfelt acknowledgement of wrongdoings, apologizing with words, asking for forgiveness, accepting forgiveness and making amends.”

Acknowledgement involves identifying the issue that has affected the other person. For example, an acknowledgement might be something like, “I now understand that my words at the family gathering hurt you deeply.”

We then must apology for what we’ve done that was inappropriate. “I’m very sorry that I said those things.” Ken Sande, in his book The Peacemaker, lists seven A’s of confession: 1) Address everyone involved, 2) avoid if, but and maybe, 3) admit specifically, 4) acknowledge the hurt, 5) accept the consequences, 6) alter your behavior, and 7) ask for forgiveness.

Sande’s final A, ask for forgiveness, leads us nicely into the next part of reconciling hearts and restoring relations and that is to ask for forgiveness. “Will you forgive me for the hurtful words I said to you at the family gathering?”

Of course, it’s one thing to ask for forgiveness and another to accept it when it’s graciously extended. We can be terribly hard on ourselves. In some situations, a statement of forgiveness may not be forthcoming. In which case, we’ll need to console ourselves with the fact that we have done our part and that’s all that God asks.

Now, let’s say that we’re the ones needing to extend forgiveness. What does that look like? Sande encourages us to make four promises when we forgive others: 1) “I will not dwell on this incident,” 2) “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you,” 3) “I will not talk to others about this incident,” and 4) “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”

Finally, we may need to make amends – to compensate, as required. This could be a natural consequence like fixing or replacing something that we broke. It may involve a commitment to different and better actions in the future like, “I’ll try my best to be more sensitive in family situations.”

Travelling on the pathway of peace is not easy. Toews reminds us that we need to take care how we define success. We might say that the process was helpful if the disputant’s situation improves. However, that’s not always possible. All parties must walk the path of peace together before they’ll arrive at the best resolutions. Even if the people involved do not resolve the conflict well, there’s another metric for success. We might say that the process was helpful if one or more of the disputants themselves have improved, grown, been transformed.

Transformation, at least at the personal level, is always possible as we practice what we’ve explored in this Making Conflict Transformational series. Conflict is hard. We all know that. It can be incredibly damaging. Yet, it also can be an impetus for learning and growth. May the Lord give us much wisdom and courage as we seek His best in every conflict as transformational peacemakers!Blogs in the Making Conflict Transformational Series:

Overview of the Six Steps to Making Conflict Transformational

Step #1 - Recognize that Conflict is Necessary

Step #2 - Identify the Type of Conflict and Intensity Factors

Step #3 - Pray Through the Conflict

Step #4 - Check Your Own Heart 

Step #5 - Understand Your Approach to Conflict

Step #6 - Build Pathways of Peace

Dr. Randy Wollf is Associate Professor of Practical Theology and Leadership Studies at MB Seminary (part of ACTS Seminaries of Trinity Western University) and Director of MinistryLift. Randy has also served as a pastor, church planter, and missionary.