managing conflict

In the previous blogs in the Making Conflict Transformational series, we’ve explored how conflict is necessary. As hard as it may be to see in the moment, it’s really a gift that can stimulate personal and interpersonal transformation.

We’ve looked at various types of conflicts and the intensity factors that can raise the stakes in a conflict situation.

We’ve seen how prayer is absolutely critical as it’s the Holy Spirit who does the deep, heart transformation, something even more possible when we’re desperate for God to intervene. Many of our stubborn conflicts really do need a miracle to turn them around.

Partnering with the Holy Spirit in checking our hearts can often lead to personal transformation, a better perspective on the conflict, and greater capacity to move forward with courage and love.

Of course, we all have a default approach to conflict. In addition, other internal and external factors affect the way we respond. Being aware of our default approach and these other factors can help us to maximize the positive influences while monitoring and moderating the negative ones.

The goal in any conflict situation is to be a peacemaker. In this session, we’ll look at how peacemakers build pathways of peace by rebuilding trust, resolving issues, reconcile hearts and restore relations.

Rebuild Trust

Imagine with me the following conflict situations, noticing how people approach conflict differently.

Ian and Chelsea have been married for two years. The honeymoon stage is over and they’re starting to notice some significant differences in the way they do life. Chelsea is super organized and loves to plan everything while Ian prefers to let life just happen. They’re repeatedly bumping up against this difference in their planning styles. Chelsea would like to work out a compromise while Ian is adamant that his way is the best way. His favorite response when Chelsea is worked up about his lack of planning is, “Just chill, Chelsea, just chill.”

Jacob and Sam have been friends for years. Jacob is more outwardly assertive and typically dictates what they end up doing. Sam doesn’t necessarily like having limited say in what they do, but he feels it’s important to keep the peace. When he has brought it up, Sam has denied that there is any conflict. And besides, Jacob’s ideas are usually pretty good and they end up having a good time.

Emily and Madison are church friends. They’re both married and have young children. Their children often get together for play dates. They’ve recently experienced conflict over their different parenting styles. Emily is stricter and sometimes tries to push rules onto Madison’s kids that Madison doesn’t believe are all that important. They’ve decided to talk about the tension and explore the values and other factors beneath each person’s parenting style. They’re committed to finding a solution that honors what’s good in both approaches and are prepared to compromise a bit, if necessary.

As you can see from these examples, there are different ways of approaching conflict. Allan Simpson and Darrin Hotte, in their Workbook for Engaging Conflict, describe five approaches to conflict: avoid, assert, accommodate, compromise, and cooperate.

Conflict Approaches

We all love confronting people, right? What is it about confrontation that scares us so much? For me, I think it boils down to fear – fear of retaliation, fear the relationship will change, and just fear of emotionally charged situations that I can’t control.

How do we engage in a conflict situation in a healthy way that actually leads to transformed lives and relationships? My goal in conflict situations, at least when I finally come to my senses (sometimes I don’t!), is to recognize that the conflict poses an opportunity for transformation in myself, others, and relationships. At the very least, if we’re willing, transformation will happen in us. And that’s a win! We can’t control how other people will respond, but we can pray and position ourselves to receive what God has for us through the conflict.

You see, conflict is necessary. When we feel tension, we are usually motivated and sometimes highly motivated, to address the tension. We don’t do well with dissonance and will often go to great lengths to resolve it. In the process, we sometimes come up with new and better ideas, we learn about ourselves and experience transformation, and our relationships, because they are strained, cause us to grow in our love for the other person.

I love how John Paul Lederach describes the potential benefits of conflict in The Little Book of Conflict Transformation:

“Conflict flows from life. Rather than seeing conflict as a threat, we can understand it as providing opportunities to grow and to increase our understanding of ourselves, of others, and of our social structures. Conflicts in relationships at all levels are the way that life helps us to stop, assess, and take notice. One way to truly know our humanness is to recognize the gift of conflict in our lives.”

Did you catch that? Conflict is a gift. Lederach concludes, “Without it, life would be a monotonously flat topography of sameness and our relationships would be woefully superficial.”

Conflict is an essential part of life. Instead of viewing it as an intrusion or barrier, perhaps we should see it more as an opportunity to grow deeper in our relationship with God and others, and to develop qualities and practices that help us live more fully and serve others more effectively.