Forgiveness

In the previous blogs in the Making Conflict Transformational series, we’ve explored how conflict is necessary. As hard as it may be to see in the moment, it’s really a gift that can stimulate personal and interpersonal transformation.

We’ve looked at various types of conflicts and the intensity factors that can raise the stakes in a conflict situation.

We’ve seen how prayer is absolutely critical as it’s the Holy Spirit who does the deep, heart transformation, something even more possible when we’re desperate for God to intervene. Many of our stubborn conflicts really do need a miracle to turn them around.

Partnering with the Holy Spirit in checking our hearts can often lead to personal transformation, a better perspective on the conflict, and greater capacity to move forward with courage and love.

Of course, we all have a default approach to conflict. In addition, other internal and external factors affect the way we respond. Being aware of our default approach and these other factors can help us to maximize the positive influences while monitoring and moderating the negative ones.

The goal in any conflict situation is to be a peacemaker. In this session, we’ll look at how peacemakers build pathways of peace by rebuilding trust, resolving issues, reconcile hearts and restore relations.

Rebuild Trust

When it comes to making conflict transformational, it’s so important that we check our own heart. I’m indebted to Ken Dyck and his Freedom Session Participant’s Guide for the material I’m about to share with you.

Think about a particular tension that you are currently experiencing with another person. This could be a friend, a family member, someone in your church, a co-worker, a neighbour or someone else. I’d invite you to work through the following steps with this tension in mind.

Step #1 – Acknowledge Denial

How am I living in denial on this issue? Not am I, but how am I? This could include simple denial, blaming, passivity, intellectualizing, generalizing, minimization, diversion, hostility, dodging, rationalization, bargaining, excusing, attacking, and the list goes on. What is unmanageable and outside of my control with this issue? Why is this so difficult and even painful for me to acknowledge?

Step #2 – Identify Beliefs about Jesus

What do I believe about Jesus on this issue? Do I believe Jesus cares about this? Why or why not? Do I believe God can help me deal with this in a better way than I can? Why or why not? What kinds of things do I keep doing or thinking when this type of "stuff" happens in my life? How would a person who believes and feels that God cares about this pain or issue respond in this situation? How would a person who does not believe or feel that God cares about this pain or issue respond? What do I really believe about God on this issue? Why is it painful or difficult to believe God cares and can help me deal with this "stuff?" Am I willing to believe God cares about me in this issue and that He is able to help me?

Step #3 – Turn our Pain and Will Over to Jesus

Jordy and I were best buds until that fateful day when Mrs. Snodgrass stepped into our grade two class. She was a rather big and imposing substitute teacher. All was going reasonably well until she bent over to help the student sitting in front of me. Jordy, who was sitting behind me, took out his ruler and gave Mrs. Snodgrass a slap on her backside. Now, you need to realize that Jordy was extremely quick and was able to get back into his desk and assume an air of innocence before Mrs. Snodgrass could turn around. For some strange reason, I couldn’t stop laughing. As Mrs. Snodgrass glared at the class, her eyes fell on the one person who thought this was the most hilarious event to ever occur at Caronport Elementary School. In her eyes, I was obviously the guilty party. She accused me, yelled at me and threatened to give me a strap. The only thing that saved me was that she didn’t see the ruler-wielding culprit in action and she couldn’t force a confession out of me (I did manage, between guffaws, to deny all wrongdoing).

As I reflect on this memorable experience, I am mindful that that we are sometimes wrongly accused or people misinterpret our motives. Obviously, there are times when we need to defend our innocence or explain our motives. Yet, I am mindful of the counter-cultural example of Jesus who “did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly” (1 Pet. 2:23 NLT). I would like to have more of Jesus’ grace and humility in my heart as I interact with those who may think that I’m the culprit.