conflict management

When it comes to making conflict transformational, it’s so important that we check our own heart. I’m indebted to Ken Dyck and his Freedom Session Participant’s Guide for the material I’m about to share with you.

Think about a particular tension that you are currently experiencing with another person. This could be a friend, a family member, someone in your church, a co-worker, a neighbour or someone else. I’d invite you to work through the following steps with this tension in mind.

Step #1 – Acknowledge Denial

How am I living in denial on this issue? Not am I, but how am I? This could include simple denial, blaming, passivity, intellectualizing, generalizing, minimization, diversion, hostility, dodging, rationalization, bargaining, excusing, attacking, and the list goes on. What is unmanageable and outside of my control with this issue? Why is this so difficult and even painful for me to acknowledge?

Step #2 – Identify Beliefs about Jesus

What do I believe about Jesus on this issue? Do I believe Jesus cares about this? Why or why not? Do I believe God can help me deal with this in a better way than I can? Why or why not? What kinds of things do I keep doing or thinking when this type of "stuff" happens in my life? How would a person who believes and feels that God cares about this pain or issue respond in this situation? How would a person who does not believe or feel that God cares about this pain or issue respond? What do I really believe about God on this issue? Why is it painful or difficult to believe God cares and can help me deal with this "stuff?" Am I willing to believe God cares about me in this issue and that He is able to help me?

Step #3 – Turn our Pain and Will Over to Jesus

One of the challenges with talking about steps to resolving conflict and even making it transformational is that conflict is messy, chaotic, and often doesn’t proceed in an orderly fashion. Perhaps, you’re in a difficult conflict right now and you don’t have much hope for a good resolution.

The God who created and sustains the universe is our loving Father who wants to help us work through life’s challenges. The Holy Spirit counsels, comforts, and convicts. In God we have an Almighty, all-caring ally who can give us wisdom and strength and who delights in taking broken and hopeless situations and people, and transforming them.

It seems like God often waits to move in our lives until we recognize our own inability to solve the problem. As we acknowledge that our human resources are insufficient, we recognize that God and His resources are more than enough to change hearts, mend relationships, and bring about transformation. So, in desperation, we pray. We seek God’s face. We confess our sins. We ask him to heal us and others involved in the conflict. We expect miracles because our God can do far more than we could ever ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us.

Now, I realize that with longstanding conflict, we can become weary in prayer, especially if it doesn’t look like there’s any progress or perhaps it seems like the conflict is getting worse. Keep praying. Even if we don’t see the results we’re hoping for, persistent prayer about the conflict does several things. I believe that God honors persevering prayer. In addition, as we pray, we’re exercising faith. We’re giving the conflict over to God and trusting Him to work things out in His ways and in His timing. As we pray with a thankful heart, we can experience God’s peace even during tumultuous conflict.

It’s also helpful to get others praying for the conflict and the people involved. There’s something powerful about groups of people agreeing about something in prayer.