necessity of conflict

We all love confronting people, right? What is it about confrontation that scares us so much? For me, I think it boils down to fear – fear of retaliation, fear the relationship will change, and just fear of emotionally charged situations that I can’t control.

How do we engage in a conflict situation in a healthy way that actually leads to transformed lives and relationships? My goal in conflict situations, at least when I finally come to my senses (sometimes I don’t!), is to recognize that the conflict poses an opportunity for transformation in myself, others, and relationships. At the very least, if we’re willing, transformation will happen in us. And that’s a win! We can’t control how other people will respond, but we can pray and position ourselves to receive what God has for us through the conflict.

You see, conflict is necessary. When we feel tension, we are usually motivated and sometimes highly motivated, to address the tension. We don’t do well with dissonance and will often go to great lengths to resolve it. In the process, we sometimes come up with new and better ideas, we learn about ourselves and experience transformation, and our relationships, because they are strained, cause us to grow in our love for the other person.

I love how John Paul Lederach describes the potential benefits of conflict in The Little Book of Conflict Transformation:

“Conflict flows from life. Rather than seeing conflict as a threat, we can understand it as providing opportunities to grow and to increase our understanding of ourselves, of others, and of our social structures. Conflicts in relationships at all levels are the way that life helps us to stop, assess, and take notice. One way to truly know our humanness is to recognize the gift of conflict in our lives.”

Did you catch that? Conflict is a gift. Lederach concludes, “Without it, life would be a monotonously flat topography of sameness and our relationships would be woefully superficial.”

Conflict is an essential part of life. Instead of viewing it as an intrusion or barrier, perhaps we should see it more as an opportunity to grow deeper in our relationship with God and others, and to develop qualities and practices that help us live more fully and serve others more effectively.