In the previous blogs in the Making Conflict Transformational series, we’ve explored how conflict is necessary. As hard as it may be to see in the moment, it’s really a gift that can stimulate personal and interpersonal transformation.

We’ve looked at various types of conflicts and the intensity factors that can raise the stakes in a conflict situation.

We’ve seen how prayer is absolutely critical as it’s the Holy Spirit who does the deep, heart transformation, something even more possible when we’re desperate for God to intervene. Many of our stubborn conflicts really do need a miracle to turn them around.

Partnering with the Holy Spirit in checking our hearts can often lead to personal transformation, a better perspective on the conflict, and greater capacity to move forward with courage and love.

Of course, we all have a default approach to conflict. In addition, other internal and external factors affect the way we respond. Being aware of our default approach and these other factors can help us to maximize the positive influences while monitoring and moderating the negative ones.

The goal in any conflict situation is to be a peacemaker. In this session, we’ll look at how peacemakers build pathways of peace by rebuilding trust, resolving issues, reconcile hearts and restore relations.

Rebuild Trust

Imagine with me the following conflict situations, noticing how people approach conflict differently.

Ian and Chelsea have been married for two years. The honeymoon stage is over and they’re starting to notice some significant differences in the way they do life. Chelsea is super organized and loves to plan everything while Ian prefers to let life just happen. They’re repeatedly bumping up against this difference in their planning styles. Chelsea would like to work out a compromise while Ian is adamant that his way is the best way. His favorite response when Chelsea is worked up about his lack of planning is, “Just chill, Chelsea, just chill.”

Jacob and Sam have been friends for years. Jacob is more outwardly assertive and typically dictates what they end up doing. Sam doesn’t necessarily like having limited say in what they do, but he feels it’s important to keep the peace. When he has brought it up, Sam has denied that there is any conflict. And besides, Jacob’s ideas are usually pretty good and they end up having a good time.

Emily and Madison are church friends. They’re both married and have young children. Their children often get together for play dates. They’ve recently experienced conflict over their different parenting styles. Emily is stricter and sometimes tries to push rules onto Madison’s kids that Madison doesn’t believe are all that important. They’ve decided to talk about the tension and explore the values and other factors beneath each person’s parenting style. They’re committed to finding a solution that honors what’s good in both approaches and are prepared to compromise a bit, if necessary.

As you can see from these examples, there are different ways of approaching conflict. Allan Simpson and Darrin Hotte, in their Workbook for Engaging Conflict, describe five approaches to conflict: avoid, assert, accommodate, compromise, and cooperate.

Conflict Approaches

When it comes to making conflict transformational, it’s so important that we check our own heart. I’m indebted to Ken Dyck and his Freedom Session Participant’s Guide for the material I’m about to share with you.

Think about a particular tension that you are currently experiencing with another person. This could be a friend, a family member, someone in your church, a co-worker, a neighbour or someone else. I’d invite you to work through the following steps with this tension in mind.

Step #1 – Acknowledge Denial

How am I living in denial on this issue? Not am I, but how am I? This could include simple denial, blaming, passivity, intellectualizing, generalizing, minimization, diversion, hostility, dodging, rationalization, bargaining, excusing, attacking, and the list goes on. What is unmanageable and outside of my control with this issue? Why is this so difficult and even painful for me to acknowledge?

Step #2 – Identify Beliefs about Jesus

What do I believe about Jesus on this issue? Do I believe Jesus cares about this? Why or why not? Do I believe God can help me deal with this in a better way than I can? Why or why not? What kinds of things do I keep doing or thinking when this type of "stuff" happens in my life? How would a person who believes and feels that God cares about this pain or issue respond in this situation? How would a person who does not believe or feel that God cares about this pain or issue respond? What do I really believe about God on this issue? Why is it painful or difficult to believe God cares and can help me deal with this "stuff?" Am I willing to believe God cares about me in this issue and that He is able to help me?

Step #3 – Turn our Pain and Will Over to Jesus