Making Conflict Transformational: Strategy #4 – Check Your Own Heart

When it comes to making conflict transformational, it’s so important that we check our own heart. I’m indebted to Ken Dyck and his Freedom Session Participant’s Guide for the material I’m about to share with you.

Think about a particular tension that you are currently experiencing with another person. This could be a friend, a family member, someone in your church, a co-worker, a neighbour or someone else. I’d invite you to work through the following steps with this tension in mind.

Step #1 – Acknowledge Denial

How am I living in denial on this issue? Not am I, but how am I? This could include simple denial, blaming, passivity, intellectualizing, generalizing, minimization, diversion, hostility, dodging, rationalization, bargaining, excusing, attacking, and the list goes on. What is unmanageable and outside of my control with this issue? Why is this so difficult and even painful for me to acknowledge?

Step #2 – Identify Beliefs about Jesus

What do I believe about Jesus on this issue? Do I believe Jesus cares about this? Why or why not? Do I believe God can help me deal with this in a better way than I can? Why or why not? What kinds of things do I keep doing or thinking when this type of "stuff" happens in my life? How would a person who believes and feels that God cares about this pain or issue respond in this situation? How would a person who does not believe or feel that God cares about this pain or issue respond? What do I really believe about God on this issue? Why is it painful or difficult to believe God cares and can help me deal with this "stuff?" Am I willing to believe God cares about me in this issue and that He is able to help me?

Step #3 – Turn our Pain and Will Over to Jesus

According to Ken Dyck, the third step in checking our hearts relates to what we’ve done with the pain we’re experiencing. Have I turned my pain and my will as it relates to this issue over to the care of Jesus? How would a person who has turned their pain and will over to the care of God respond in this situation? Conversely, how would a person who has not turned their pain and will over to the care of God respond? Where has my best thinking and strategies taken me when facing similar situations in the past? What losses do I risk in turning this "stuff" and my will over to Jesus? What potential benefits might I gain? And then it comes done to this: Am I willing to turn this "stuff," my pain and my will over to the care of Jesus?

Step #4 - Take Inventory

The fourth step is all about taking inventory: What’s actually going on here? Whom do I resent, fear or just feel anger towards right now? What specifically did they do or not do to hurt me in this particular issue; not stuff in the past? How are their actions affecting or hurting me emotionally, mentally, socially or sexually? What part of this "stuff" or issue am I responsible for? To whom in this situation did I cause pain or hurt? Taking it even further, what specifically did I do that hurt them? How would they say I'm hurting them? What damage (physical, emotional, mental, relational, spiritual) is this causing them? What effect is this having on my life? Is my response making my life and the lives of those I love better or worse? Why am I doing this?

Okay. You’ve probably picked up that this is a pretty intense process. It gets better!

Step #5 - Identify People to Whom You Need to Make Confession

The fifth step is a tough one because it’s identifying the people you need to confess what you discovered in steps 1-4. You may need to confess something to yourself, God, an accountability partner, a close friend, spouse, or someone else. Am I willing to confess what I discovered to the person or persons I identified? The final part of this step is a commitment to follow through. “I will follow through on this commitment by [a certain date].”

Step #6 - Recognize Personal Character Defects

With the sixth step, the focus shifts to character. What character defects of mine are or were in operation when this "stuff" happened? Am I willing to have God entirely remove these defects of character? Am I then also willing to give up my sickly-perceived-right to hide behind these character defects the next time this same or similar "stuff" happens? What change am I prepared to make in my life to maximize the likelihood of success?

Step #7 - Pray

The next step is a pray to Jesus. “Dear Lord Jesus, I now humbly ask you to remove [blank] from my life.” Okay. Quick little pause here. This is not a prayer to remove the person you have a problem with even though that may be a very tempting thing to pray. It’s about the inappropriate stuff in your own heart that you’ve discovered. The prayer continues: “Jesus, I believe you can do this. Holy Spirit, please make me aware when I am tempted to reclaim what I have just asked you to remove. Thank you.”

Step #8 - Forgive

This eighth step invites you to say: “I am willing to forgive [now, you can put the person’s name in your prayer]. If it’s possible, as far as it depends on me, I’m willing to make amends to [this person].

Step #9 - Verbal Declaration

The final step involves a verbal declaration to God and follow through on that commitment. “Lord, I forgive [this person - remember to forgive one person at a time] for [describe the offense] which made me feel [verbalize the painful feelings]. I choose to bear the consequences of their sin against me without bitterness, knowing that you already paid for it on the cross.”

Did you catch that last part? I choose to bear the consequences of their sin against me without bitterness, knowing that you already paid for it on the cross. That’s powerful!

There’s more. “I relinquish my perceived right to seek revenge or hold this against [the person]. I now entrust them into your care and judgment. I ask you to fill this area of my life with your Holy Spirit and heal any damaged emotions in my heart because of this wound.  Amen.”

The final part of this step focuses on making amends – trying to make things right. “Lord, I will make amends to [again, name the person]. Amen.” Now, what does making amends look like in this situation? What exactly will I do to mend this relationship, this situation, as far as it depends on me? With making amends, face-to-face is usually preferred, a phone call is less preferable, and an email/text is the least desirable approach.

That’s all there’s to it. Now, I recognize that this process is lengthy and intense. However, the point of it all is to open us up to the Holy Spirit and what He wants to say to us. What do we need to hear about ourselves and the situation itself? Of course, for many situations, we would want to go through an abbreviated version of this process – whatever is appropriate for us to hear God’s voice in the situation. For, you see, when we hear from God about what He wants to do in our lives and in the situation, we’re in a much better place to respond and experience the transformation that God desires.

Blogs in the Making Conflict Transformational Series:

Overview of the Six Steps to Making Conflict Transformational

Step #1 - Recognize that Conflict is Necessary

Step #2 - Identify the Type of Conflict and Intensity Factors

Step #3 - Pray Through the Conflict

Step #4 - Check Your Own Heart 

Step #5 - Understand Your Approach to Conflict

Step #6 - Build Pathways of Peace

Dr. Randy Wollf is Associate Professor of Practical Theology and Leadership Studies at MB Seminary (part of ACTS Seminaries of Trinity Western University) and Director of MinistryLift. Randy has also served as a pastor, church planter, and missionary.